But if you close the door, I'd never have to see the day again.

I'm slowly trying to get better. Trying to occupy myself with things I wouldn't normally do. Anything to get my mind off of events. Perhaps I should tell...My dad has brain tumors. And their active... I don't think I even expected him to die really. He's not dead, but he apparently doesn't have too much time. I'm afraid. I don't know what I'm supposed to do when he dies. I'm scared senseless. I hate thinking about it, so I'm trying my best to think about other things, do new things. Anything to try and postpone to mourning. He's not hospitalized because he's not in pain, and he finds no reason to be there. Honestly, neither did the doctors. I wish he would just admit himself anyway. I don't know. I'm hoping for a miracle. I'm nervous. I'm dying from the wait. Hah. Sick humor. I just hope can function after he dies. My mom is a monster, too. She's the worst. Right now, I'm grounded for a month because I left the milk out. No One Year Anniversary Celebration with my boyfriend. No Valentines Day. I hate this.

I wish I could smell like french fries for six months.

I'm grounded. I'm bored. I'm fat. I'm ugly.
I hate sad movies.
I hate exams.
I just want to cry.
I want someone to care.
I want someone to hug me.
Hate my family.
Hate my life.
God I love being a living, breathing cliche.
Whatever.


PS,
Someone save me.


-01/28/10

We're drowning in cliches.

So maybe today wasn't exactly like I thought it would be. I've been thinking non stop about my current predicament, I've got cramps of the devil, and I'm an emotional wreck due to PMS. It's times like these that I really wish I was a boy. Life would be easy breezy if I wanted it to be. Ugh, it feels like a lightning storm in my stomach. I can't wait t go home, as weird as that sounds. Also, I'm at a stand-still with what I should do with my water color painting. It has to be a landscape, animal, or person. But if it is a person or object or something, it has to be in pattern. D:! Extremely difficult to work with. For me, anyway. I'm really not creative when it comes to limited choice. Oh well. I'll just do it with half a mind. I'm not motivated to do much at all.

Now, don't call me creepy, but I've been following someone with my eyes all day. If they pass, I've been mesmerized by their presence. It's bad. I don't know this person all that well, and I wish I knew them better. They're the kind of person I wish I knew better. The kind of person I want to get closer to. My eyes keep falling on this person, even when I don't want them to. I mean, I'm in a happy relationship. Simon is great to me, in every way. So why am I so eager to become this persons only thought? It's driving me mental. I love Simon. I really do. But what am I to do? Do I shun this person completely? I'm so lost. I guess I'll just let it be. Maybe this is temporary. I don't want to leave Simon. I have no intentions of doing so. He already promised to marry me. I know that at sixteen, people will think this as nothing, but (Here we go again with a cliche), I love Simon, and no one could possibly understand that. I hope these feelings pass. Remain friends. That's what I want. If me and Simon ever break up for some dumb reason, this person would be my essential choice.

Solution? Well, we'll find out soon enough I suppose. I'll let you eager beavers know what's happening in the near future.

On a lighter note, I really have to pee.

-<3
01/19/10

Seconds to Miles

Like thunder too-quick behind lightning
your voice turns to the long
list of echoing disappointments
that rattle through your life.
Your heart is set to normal
before the spitty sadness
I can't quite swallow
will even pass my teeth.

When I was a kid we'd sit
high in un-air conditioned windows
and think we could count
the seconds between flash and clap
like miles between us and danger.
Now that I try it with you
it seems foolish, an old sailor's trick
that never works on land,
but I keep hoping we'll either
take shelter someplace low
or sit in the open and steel ourselves
long enough to face the horizon.

Am I being too paranoid?

Today was awful. I had some of the worst news of my life thrown in my face, and I think it was obvious I was upset by it. I don't know if I'm ready to share said news yet, but I can tell the story around it. I went to school today, against my parents wishes, so that I could hopefully try and carry on with a normal life. If I just push it aside, I know I'll just ignore it until I can't change anything. Anyway, I guess I was being unusually quiet, because one of my best friends pointed out that I 'wasn't myself'. And apparently, that means putting on an act of over-quirkiness and slapping on a dull smile. Trust me, I tried to act normal. But I just kept fading. I just couldn't get whatever it was out of my system. I sort of shrugged at my group of friends, and that was it. No inquiries, no pushing to see what was wrong. That's it. Sure, I don't like it when people pry, and I don't think it fair to push petty problems onto others, but this was different. It would've been nice to know that someone was actually trying for me. But their not. No one is. Because no one wants to blame themselves. It's a little discerning. I continued on with the day, listening to each teacher drone on about exams and how to prepare for them (Something I already know how to do fluently).

In third period, I sat there reading. Anything to keep my mind off of the situation that was burning into my brain. But I finished my book halfway through, and I struggled to keep my attention on the French art teacher rambling on about water colors. After a few moments of sitting completely undisturbed, I began to paint as we were instructed. A friend of mine, Sean.M, commented on my low being to the girl next to us who had stolen my seat (Even though my jacket was hanging over the back..Oh well.) And she only said that they should leave me alone. That was the least of what I wanted. Is this how lazy society has become? Not even willing to fight in the slightest for a friends well-being? It immediately dampened my spirits.I was just about to dash out of the room and mentally beat the crap out of myself followed by a personal struggle whether I should admit myself to the hospital, a friendly figure approached me. He looked into my face, and I knew he saw something. No, not some romantic fairytale moment. But it felt like he saw something was really wrong. It meant a lot more than any of my other friends feeble attempts at comfort. If I can even call it that.

He then made conversation on the fact that he hadn't shaved, and his beard was coming in nicely. I agreed. I had dared him not to shave so I could see the extent of his beard. He claims it's as long as it will get, but I beg to differ. Slap some testosterone on it, and see what happens! (I wonder if that would actually work...Taking the testosterone gene and condensing it into a liquid form...) But it was nice to have someone who was willing to have a normal conversation with me, despite the fact that I was obviously upset for some reason. No, he didn't pry. Just a simple 'How're you doing?' But that was all I needed. In the end, it was far more effective, and did a lot more good. And in other news, I forgot to mention I'm an anime freak. D:! I don't know how I forgot this, but I have a lot of mangas, a lot of comics, and I watch a lot of series. Hurrah for having no life!

But on the bright side, I am now in a slightly better mood, despite my reoccurring thought process. I think I'm ready to face tomorrow with full force, and see how it goes. I really don't want to have to explain a lot until I'm ready.

-<3
01/18/10

Fragmented Galaxy

The night is wide-spread
as an interlude that teases me
with its high quality moon-set sonatta.

Almost without pulse,
I'm lured in by temptation
..............that I cannot quell.
This dream surrounds me with its spectrum of blue:

circled with white dew.
And with its breathless zeal,
I remain tame for a moment
.......................taking in my surroundings:

earth and her friend performing a sarabande
that mimics ambrosial merry-go-rounds.
...................This is what I see,
when you ask me what lies within your eyes.

Please don't let me go.

My brother is a loony bin. He's twelve years old, and a complete ego maniac. Not only that, but everytime he doesn't get what he wants, he throws a huge fit and whines and cries until he gets what he wants. My parents buy him everything he wants, and continues to complain about everything. He knows he's autistic, and takes advantage of it because he knows my parents are submissive when it comes to violent behavior with him. If I acted the same way, I would be smacked or shunned. My parents still give him huge allowances. Hundred bucks a week. That's more than I make. He's spoiled to the core, and it makes me sick the level of gluttony he has. He's obsessed with getting his way. He asked for a gecko once, he got it, now he pays not a thought to it. He got a 360 for no reason, and doesn't let anyone play it but himself. He will do anything to gain leverage over someone and get what he thinks he deserves. He is the most selfish little shit I have ever known. And of course, since he's the baby of the family, and the only boy, my parents just live with it. Not even bothering to do anything about his compulsive disorder with winning. My brother loves to annoy me as well. He will go out of his way to see me unhappy. I'm not even joking in the slightest, and I wish I were.

There have been so many instances where my brother has made something up or blown something way out of proportion in order to get what he wants. He'll say things like "Danielle has been on the computer all day! And then when I asked to go on, she hit me!" Complete lie, of course. The only time I ever hit him, is when he continues to hit me and bash me for no reason other than to bug me. And then of course, my parents will comply and kick me off the computer when I had only been on the computer for a meer fifteen minutes. Not only that, but he'll take hours to get off, and even before I had my turn, he'd had already had his. My parents say that they know he's lying, but tell me to just deal with it because it's his 'release'. I get very angry when they present this excuse. So giving him everything he wants on a whim is his release? Bull.Shit. What about my release? I wish my parents gave me everything I wanted and I could be a brat all I wanted. What a simple life I would have. Oh, and I have to get off at two, because my brother is getting pissy that he can't go on at this very moment even though he went shopping five minutes ago, and I just got on. Oh well. Life.


Ps,
I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.
-<3
01/16/10

Should have seen it coming.

Today I had my first taste of true highschool nature. The whole situation makes me question why I trust people so easily, and why I forgive people even easier. It just goes to show that people will take advantage of you if you're nice. Perhaps I should become a cynical, evil witch with nothing better to do but pry into peoples lives and make them hell. Why not? Everyone else does it? What's even worse is that what happened was a complete blow beneath the belt. I feel betrayed. I couldn't help but say "Oh my God, I can't believe this. I am honestly shocked." I was in awe for a whole art period. I was spinning in a fit of anger and disbelief. Now, I'm beginning to question everything and everyone. Is this person really my friend? Does this person really mean anything to me? (Ugh, my dad just walked in listening to his I-Pod and dancing like a fool. Old people should not be allowed to own technology other than a cell phone.) There are some people in my life that I don't know why I like them any more. Then there are other people that I think are incredibly interesting and I want to know more and more; Like their personal lives and beliefs are exactly what I want, and their word is my heroin. I wish I could get closer to a choice few. And then I wish I could get away from most people. *shrugs* Go figure. But now I suppose I should tell you all what happened. Well today, I found out that a good friend of mine whom I have confided in multiple times and trusted with my life, has been completely two-faced this time. It turns out, she has been doing nothing but talking behind my back about me and my personal life. I feel more than betrayed. I feel ashamed for trusting someone so untrustworthy. I really am a moron.

I wanna cry. As babyish and childish and hormonally retarded as that sounds, it's the truth. It may be small to some people, but to me, this is like a gunshot wound to the stomach. When I first found out, I thought I actually was gunna cry. I trusted that girl more than anything, and now I just don't know. Maybe I should stop letting people in so easily, and close myself in, like I used to. But that's how I ended up on suicide watch. Either way, I'm hurting myself. I mean, it is my fault. I let her in, knowing this could inevitably happen. And it did. I guess I wanted to believe that everyone deserves a chance. I could let everyone in, and expect the same results over and over again. Or I could keep it inside until it gets so bad that I can't stand it anymore. What do I do, internet world? Ugh, I hate depression. And I hate that I have to take pills for it. They hardly do anything. I put on my own shows, fuck doctors. (Have I mentioned that I very much dislike hospitals? Probably because I keep ending up in them...I also hate dentists for no reason.) And based on my own morals, I'm not about to lay this huge burden on someone, expecting them to do all the work for me to deal with my problems. I'm really not expecting any answers. Just an output for my thoughts. Still, I wish things were different. Based on a lot of aspects, my life could be a lot different. A lot better. I know it would. People say I'm too nice for my own good. Well, that's because when my best friend Ryan killed himself because he felt like not a single person cared but me, I took that personally to try and make everyones lives a bit better by being courteous and as good to them as I could. I've always wanted to change someones life in a big way, but I haven't the will anymore, nor the cunnning. I've found myself trying to get away from school faster and faster each day because this mask of happiness is getting harder and harder to uphold. Soon, I'll crack, and no one will blame themselves.

In other news, I went to another local bands show tonight. It was interesting, considering a lot of little girls and non-regulars were there. Most of them just talked. Still, I was glad that the bands were getting the support they deserved- Financially and publically. One band did a pretty decent cover of a few White Stripes songs, and I really enjoyed them. I don't know why there was such a large turnout. Maybe it was because it was the last show at that hall. Or maybe because all the bands were young indie boys with thick rimmed glasses, cropped hair-dos and skinny pants. I'll never know, because I didn't inquire on it. I just watched intently from the frontline as the bands sang and occasionally made a mockery of myself with my good friend Taylor. Taylor has a lot of trouble with girls. I try to help him the best I can. My friend, who swore she would swear of drugs forever, showed up higher than the Beatles on the set of A Hard Day's Night. It was discouraging, and I was upset for a little while.But in the end, I decided all I could do was be there for her in her time of experimentation, and try to ease her to a stop before things escalade. I don't know, internet world. I'll keep you posted though.

This probably won't be my last post of the night.

Ps
I feel like crawling into a hole and dying. Is that too cliche, or too emo?

-<3
01/15/10

i became suicidal at 9 years old

"when you look in the mirror, what do you see?"
the woman asked me. i was 9. i did not understand.
"i see me." i replied.
she chuckled.
"i mean, if you just met the person you see in the mirror,
what would you see?"
i looked closer (she made me feel obligated) and
i did not see anything, even as my nose touched the cool surface of the mirror,
2 dark brown eyes staring back at me,
unforgiving infernos.

"i do not see anything" i said in a kind of despair.
the woman behind me patted my shoulder, a patronizing smile on her glossed lips.

"it's okay, hon.

it's okay."

Ah, my first (kind of) blog.

Either I'm extremely close minded, or I'm a huge optimist, but here it is. My first blog. Kind of. I can't say in all honesty that this would be my first, for that would be a legitimate lie. I have created blogs before, but those were on shady social websites about complete nonsense. I suppose this would counts as a first real blog. To get into the real blogging spirit (Hah, there's a funny one), I guess I'm inclined to tell a little about myself to keep my plethora of followers interested (Nudge nudge, catch the sarcasm?) I mean, I probably wouldn't read someones blog without having a clue as to who they are. They could be full-fledged pedophiles simply trying to lure little girls into becoming fascinated with their faux pas lives. Oh well, let it be I suppose. Anyways, my name is Danielle. Last name not included for obvious reasons. I live where I wake up and decide whether or not I will tolerate people. Most people call me eccentric because I tend to say strange things, and act like a creep. Their probably right, but who are they to say anything. In reality, were all a little mad. I think it's just a matter of who will admit, and who will try to deny until they meet death. Either way, people are extremists in general. Playing DnD and an excessive amounts of video games is how I spend my free time if I'm not completing a half-assed assignment. I like living in a false reality, okay? This one sucks. People generalize women who play video games as ugly, or extremely uninteresting. I beg to differ. I refuse to live in a mens world! (Even though some aspects are pretty fucking sweet). Ah well, most of my friends don't consider me a girl because I just don't act like one. I apologize to society, but I don't want to live in a world where all I do is think about how I look, how I act, and how ditzy I am. And then complain about it later. It's contradictive, and retarded. I think the generation for girls is simply becoming sluttier and even more generic. Live and let live, I guess.

Getting off topic, I tend to do that. (And apparently talk like Yoda. Huzzah!) More about me, I guess. I write, draw, photograph, and occasionally craft. And by craft, I mean arts and crafts. Seriously. I'm sixteen, and I do arts and crafts. I've got a pretty solid list of friends. Some stand out more than others, but I love them all. I don't like people who complain all the time about little problems. You can tell me about them, sure, but don't go on and on. I also don't like it when people expect you to solve their problems for them, when they know you have problems of your own you're still trying to sort out. I don't think it's fair. I like every kind of music. I typically don't like rap or country, but I'm open to anything. Throw a band at me, and I'll listen to it. No promises I'll like to though, so please don't get upset if I tell you so. I have a shitty home life, and I say that with utter and literal meaning.....Okay maybe not literally, but you know what I mean. My parents are way too involved in their careers and personal affairs, they don't pay attention to anyone but my autistic little brother. And even though he's a brat and they know it, they continue to give him everything he wants. I've learned to live with and accept the fact that my brother is ultimately the favorite and always will be. I've learned to creep in the background. Although, I don't understand how my parents can afford to buy my brother a computer just 'for being good in school', but they can't buy me new glasses for my old ones broke. Oh well. I think people are easy to control. That may seem bad, but if you really think about it, it is more than true. It is applied in everyday life. Christianity bases it's morals and very grounds on a man-made book, that is based on a theory. If I told people that the world was ending in five minutes, and presented a book that is said to be millions of years old and written by a God of the mountains, would they believe me? I don't know. Maybe. I'm bored of typing now. I think I'll leave you all with this, and see how it plays out.

-<3
01/15/10