Today I had my first taste of true highschool nature. The whole situation makes me question why I trust people so easily, and why I forgive people even easier. It just goes to show that people will take advantage of you if you're nice. Perhaps I should become a cynical, evil witch with nothing better to do but pry into peoples lives and make them hell. Why not? Everyone else does it? What's even worse is that what happened was a complete blow beneath the belt. I feel betrayed. I couldn't help but say "Oh my God, I can't believe this. I am honestly shocked." I was in awe for a whole art period. I was spinning in a fit of anger and disbelief. Now, I'm beginning to question everything and everyone. Is this person really my friend? Does this person really mean anything to me? (Ugh, my dad just walked in listening to his I-Pod and dancing like a fool. Old people should not be allowed to own technology other than a cell phone.) There are some people in my life that I don't know why I like them any more. Then there are other people that I think are incredibly interesting and I want to know more and more; Like their personal lives and beliefs are exactly what I want, and their word is my heroin. I wish I could get closer to a choice few. And then I wish I could get away from most people. *shrugs* Go figure. But now I suppose I should tell you all what happened. Well today, I found out that a good friend of mine whom I have confided in multiple times and trusted with my life, has been completely two-faced this time. It turns out, she has been doing nothing but talking behind my back about me and my personal life. I feel more than betrayed. I feel ashamed for trusting someone so untrustworthy. I really am a moron.
I wanna cry. As babyish and childish and hormonally retarded as that sounds, it's the truth. It may be small to some people, but to me, this is like a gunshot wound to the stomach. When I first found out, I thought I actually was gunna cry. I trusted that girl more than anything, and now I just don't know. Maybe I should stop letting people in so easily, and close myself in, like I used to. But that's how I ended up on suicide watch. Either way, I'm hurting myself. I mean, it is my fault. I let her in, knowing this could inevitably happen. And it did. I guess I wanted to believe that everyone deserves a chance. I could let everyone in, and expect the same results over and over again. Or I could keep it inside until it gets so bad that I can't stand it anymore. What do I do, internet world? Ugh, I hate depression. And I hate that I have to take pills for it. They hardly do anything. I put on my own shows, fuck doctors. (Have I mentioned that I very much dislike hospitals? Probably because I keep ending up in them...I also hate dentists for no reason.) And based on my own morals, I'm not about to lay this huge burden on someone, expecting them to do all the work for me to deal with my problems. I'm really not expecting any answers. Just an output for my thoughts. Still, I wish things were different. Based on a lot of aspects, my life could be a lot different. A lot better. I know it would. People say I'm too nice for my own good. Well, that's because when my best friend Ryan killed himself because he felt like not a single person cared but me, I took that personally to try and make everyones lives a bit better by being courteous and as good to them as I could. I've always wanted to change someones life in a big way, but I haven't the will anymore, nor the cunnning. I've found myself trying to get away from school faster and faster each day because this mask of happiness is getting harder and harder to uphold. Soon, I'll crack, and no one will blame themselves.
In other news, I went to another local bands show tonight. It was interesting, considering a lot of little girls and non-regulars were there. Most of them just talked. Still, I was glad that the bands were getting the support they deserved- Financially and publically. One band did a pretty decent cover of a few White Stripes songs, and I really enjoyed them. I don't know why there was such a large turnout. Maybe it was because it was the last show at that hall. Or maybe because all the bands were young indie boys with thick rimmed glasses, cropped hair-dos and skinny pants. I'll never know, because I didn't inquire on it. I just watched intently from the frontline as the bands sang and occasionally made a mockery of myself with my good friend Taylor. Taylor has a lot of trouble with girls. I try to help him the best I can. My friend, who swore she would swear of drugs forever, showed up higher than the Beatles on the set of A Hard Day's Night. It was discouraging, and I was upset for a little while.But in the end, I decided all I could do was be there for her in her time of experimentation, and try to ease her to a stop before things escalade. I don't know, internet world. I'll keep you posted though.
This probably won't be my last post of the night.
Ps
I feel like crawling into a hole and dying. Is that too cliche, or too emo?
-<3
01/15/10
I am sorry things are so bad. You shouldn't stop trusting people comletely, it isn't healthy. You might want to bemore selective. Listen to what they say about other people and see if you can get them to dish out dirt on other people subtley. If they absolutely refuse to tell you anything, you know that you can trust them. I'll be honest, I have spilled a few peoples secrets before, but it was an accident. I felt horrible when I found out I wasn't supposed to tell anyone and I did. I know if she really did care she would apoligize. If she doesn't, she was never your friend anyway and it is good that you're shutting her out (if you are doing that). It is good to hear you liked the bands.
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